step two--hi, i don't know how to write what i want to write without sounding like i'm in third grade. eh, what the hell.
i like thunderstorms. i realized this today as i was wandering in the rain, each lightning bolt and thunder clap brought me a sense of content. i wore my rain boots, rain coat, and the same pair of jeans i've been wearing all week. i now have a frame of baby curls lining my hair line. i spent time under two different hand dryers contorting myself to un-soak my pants.
but it was all okay. because there was lightning. because there was thunder.
therefore i like thunderstorms.
i've all ready questioned this statement since this afternoon. did i just like the storm because i was walking? was it the adrenaline? because the day surpassed my grim expectations? because i have nothing else?
my thunderstorm didn't hang around all day. and oddly the weather ended up kind of pleasant, kind of gray. i think wednesdays generally turn out this way. maybe it's just because i have class until 5:45.
except i over walked myself today. i'm exhausted, exhausted enough to skip the entrepreneurship club meeting i was supposed to go to 40 minutes ago. i could have stopped, i could have taken a shorter route, i could have taken the elevator, i could have etc. etc.
but i didn't want to. i think i was trying to see if i could walk "enough". enough to be content with it and just let it go. i didn't reach it. i'll never reach it. and i don't stop trying.
the crazy today: i had orange juice with a luna bar for a snack. don't forget the raisins.
irrational rational: a whole banana, raisins, and orange juice, that's a lot of fruit. that's a lot of sugar. too much, too much, too much.
i talked myself down a lot. lots of number crunching. breathing. attempt to remind myself of the goal--gaining.
i refuse to talk myself out of fruit. fruit is real food. fruit is nutritious. i greatly enjoy fruit. fruit has no reason to cause me anxiety.
do you think thunderstorms are beautiful? i do.
Hun, fruit is wonderful and you definitely shouldn't let ED trick you into thinking otherwise... an ED always tries to keep the things away from us that are most beneficial, have you ever noticed that? Therefore, anything that causes anxiety MUST be good, so if fruit causes anxiety, it MUST be good as well :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, I was the same way when it came to eating fruit. I was always SO concerned about the sugar, but the body needs sugar, love, and the sugar in fruit is the good kind, so eat as much as you like. I eat multiple servings of the stuff everyday, and I'm feeling fantastic.
As for thunderstorms, I absolutely love them. They excite me :)
Love you EMZ! So glad to have you back to blogging. I'll obviously be stalking every moment of your life now, hehehehhe <3
ReplyDeletethunderstorms are beautiful
ReplyDeleteyou enjoy the things that fear you
ie:fruit.
fruit is beautiful
most people are frightend of thunderstorms, and immediatly head for shelter. But you faced your fear with "i wills" and "no this will not harm me"
face your goals
love your strengths
and move forward
rain
shine
or thunderstorms <3