the sun has finally returned. it has been grey as can be around here for the past week and i don't know how long. friday we had a thunderstorm right above our house. lightning struck our next door neighbor's redwood tree. it was devastatingly fascinating.

what do i want? 

i'm at a crossroads. i feel like a damn cliche. i have choices that are only mine to make. i have to decide what i want.

i want beauty. i want laughter. i want the picture in my head. 

i want fresh. i want to flit around town with messy hair and a t-shirt. i want an identity.

there.

step one) smile more.

what do [you] want?

today's agenda: 

• dave farmar podcast
• shower
• produce shopping
• homework
• be outside

agenda for this fine sunday?

note: all images from weheartit.com

"the people who make us happy are never the one's you expect." --skins

thunderstorms

step one--thank you for being you. i'm referring to my last wordpress post. your love and kick in the pants is just what i need.

step two--hi, i don't know how to write what i want to write without sounding like i'm in third grade. eh, what the hell.

i like thunderstorms. i realized this today as i was wandering in the rain, each lightning bolt and thunder clap brought me a sense of content. i wore my rain boots, rain coat, and the same pair of jeans i've been wearing all week. i now have a frame of baby curls lining my hair line. i spent time under two different hand dryers contorting myself to un-soak my pants.

but it was all okay. because there was lightning. because there was thunder.

therefore i like thunderstorms.

i've all ready questioned this statement since this afternoon. did i just like the storm because i was walking? was it the adrenaline? because the day surpassed my grim expectations? because i have nothing else?

my thunderstorm didn't hang around all day. and oddly the weather ended up kind of pleasant, kind of gray. i think wednesdays generally turn out this way. maybe it's just because i have class until 5:45.

except i over walked myself today. i'm exhausted, exhausted enough to skip the entrepreneurship club meeting i was supposed to go to 40 minutes ago. i could have stopped, i could have taken a shorter route, i could have taken the elevator, i could have etc. etc.

but i didn't want to. i think i was trying to see if i could walk "enough". enough to be content with it and just let it go. i didn't reach it. i'll never reach it. and i don't stop trying.

the crazy today: i had orange juice with a luna bar for a snack. don't forget the raisins.

irrational rational: a whole banana, raisins, and orange juice, that's a lot of fruit. that's a lot of sugar. too much, too much, too much.

i talked myself down a lot. lots of number crunching. breathing. attempt to remind myself of the goal--gaining.

i refuse to talk myself out of fruit. fruit is real food. fruit is nutritious. i greatly enjoy fruit. fruit has no reason to cause me anxiety.

do you think thunderstorms are beautiful? i do.